When you feel you aren't good enough

                    

This was not the blog I was going to write, but I feel I need to, because having struggles with confidence, it has, and I have talked about this in my other blogs, it has continued with me and I am forever doubting myself, questioning everything I do, because of others questioning me, and feeling like, even though there are people who care, they just don't quite get it, or me. 

I am not looking for sympathy or even a magic wand, I just sometimes need a ear to listen, not give judgement or a solution, but someone to just listen to me. 

Talking today with my friends about school, and how I felt thick on some days especially when it came to subjects like Maths and wanting to be invisible, because I dreaded it when we would have to do a Maths test, it just was my worst nightmare because I couldn't do it. 

When you feel like that you do feel somewhat alone and as if I don't really belong there. 

My grades at school were I would say average compared to other girls in my class, as I went to all Girls School for my Secondary school and completely mucked up my R.E (Religious studies) exam as I had answered the wrong set of questions, but I found this courage in me when this happened, and told myself "I'll be okay and not the end of the world" and from sharing my experience with lack of confidence, sometimes you find it through courage and acceptance. I accepted that I would never be an A Star pupil, but my grades when I left school, weren't that bad either, and so if you are teenager in secondary school or at university, if you don't get the grades you wish for, don't let it bring you down, but see it as something to work towards so you can be an A star, just learn at your own pace, rather than under pressure.

When it took my GCSE I was the only one in my year to get "U" in Maths, which is basically a no-pass, but I ended up in my second job I did, work in accounts and had to learn basic maths to do the job. So never allow exam results dictate your life, but things you need to work on or perhaps find a subject you do like and thrive in that instead. 

Life is about choices and I kinda see my Maths result I got in my GCSE's as a award, because I was the one and I feel like "Yeah okay I'm honoured" no one else could have beaten that. I know some may say "Why" if it is a bad result, but the one thing that has helped me through my life is having humour and it still drives me forward today. 

Having a good sense of humour can help wonders with your confidence, because if you reflect on comedy, most comedies are based on sad stories, like Phoebe in friends, she had a sad childhood, but yet her character is very funny. 

So why can't you have humour about your life? Does it need to be all seriousness?

Of course not and so if you lack confidence you can find ways to get through it, to help you be more confident, it just needs to be what makes you happy, as long as it is not hurting anyone, and makes you life feel more fulfilled.

I hope you found this blog to be helpful and I will post again as of next week. 

Many thanks for reading, 

Carrie X  

Having no creativity "I just want to be a lazy bitch"

This was not the original blog I was going to write, but I feel that I needed to because I know I am not alone in having a day where I am having no creativity in me and I just want to be a lazy bitch. 

Not giving too much information but it is the "Time of the month" as some people call it and feel I have no energy to think or to do, and just want to lay in bed and stay there for the whole entire day. 

I suppose you may think what has this got to do with confidence?

Well it is days like these where I lack confidence because I feel tired, unmotivated and just want to hibernate for the day, until I ready to face the world again. 

When I have these sorts of days like this I don't tend to do too much and listen to my body and what it wants to do. I was so tired earlier that I felt fuzzy headed and not right, so I took a nap. 

I do feel somewhat better now, but feel as soon as my son's dad picks Henry up I will go to bed and stay there until tomorrow. 

Many thanks for reading, 

Carrie X

Feeling Worthless and that noone is on my side

I felt this yesterday evening when I was getting my son to go to bed, whilst I had a quick shower, because instead of my side being taken and supporting me, I was told me off as if I was doing something wrong. 

All I wanted was to have a shower, and my son needs to know that he can have mum time, but mum needs her time too. I had been looking after my son for most of the day and just wanted to freshen up. 

Feeling worthless and that noone is on your side is very diminishing and soul destroying, and you feel like no matter what you do it's never going to be good enough and worthy enough.

Sometimes you do have to be careful as to how you treat those close to you, because they can appear to be strong, but are dying inside and that is how I felt last night, I just felt completely alone and not worth supporting.

I did argue back and said how I felt, but I was told to shush and it is so hard when you want to yell out and noone wants to hear you.

It isn't right that you have one rule and everyone else has a different one, because we all get tired and children can be demanding and they need to know their boundaries. 

As a parent I do feel like I am constantly getting it wrong, and I need some support and I feel like I am not getting that and whenever my son does something wrong I am always to blame. 

I am always the one in the wrong and that just makes me feel like I just want to disappear.

I don't feel good about myself a lot anyway so when someone makes you feel you are to be blamed all the time, it can feel like, why am I here then?

Being a parent it can feel like everyone is better at it than you, and what you say doesn't mean a thing. 

Sometimes the world can feel like it is constantly against you and that you have no rights, but everyone has rights and should be able to say "I am no happy and this is why" without being told to shush and not wanting to listen. 

Many thanks for reading,

Carrie X 

Summer insecurities

I kind of feel I hit home with feelings of self conscious during the summer in my last post wrote two weeks ago about How I would love to have a beach body, because I say to myself every year when summer comes that, next summer I am going to be flat stomached, more toned and suntanned. 

It gets to summer and wish I could look like the girl I was when I was in my teens and twenties again, but even back then I thought, at the time, I looked plump compared to other girls my age, and friends of mine.

Yet seeing photos of those times I was not plump at all, and it is all to do with my mind and how I have often see myself. I think we can be so cruel to ourselves in ways, that if it was someone saying these things to us, of what we felt we wouldn't stand for it. 

Summer insecurities are very common and many hide away from it because they are not happy with themselves, and we I think as we get older, well in my case anyway, the feelings of being insecure can become a lot stronger rather than decrease, as we continue to grow as adults. 

However now, there are some real good swimming costumes for larger size women or I should say curvey now, than before which actually hides your unhappy areas away, like your stomach and waist, and great if you are big boobed like me. 

When I first developed breasts I hated them, and I would do all I could to hide them, and I hated going bra shopping and I did find it very embarrassing when looking for bras with my mum, as she wouldn't be quiet about it, and I felt I remember somewhat exposed.

I rarely ever and even now I don't wear a bikini, as I don't feel comfortable or feel I have the body to wear one. 

I remembering feeling when my boobs started growing, like "I am not ready for these please take them away", and I remember at Primary school, yes that is when they started to develop around when I was 9 or 10 years old, and this girl saying as I was getting changed for PE, "It's about time you were a bra isn't it" and I remember thinking "No I don't" as if in denial that I had some horrible things growing out of my chest. 

I remember my first holiday to Menorca and wearing my first bra and I did feel very self conscious as if everyone could see it, yet I would go on holiday with women who were my mum and dad's friends and would go topless, so you'd think I would be in some way used to it, but I wasn't. 

I have often dreamed about being a beach babe in a bikini, and do feel low when I see images of very slim women strutting their stuff on Instagram, but then remind myself that it is just an image and we all have insecurities about ourselves and that is more to do with being healthy rather than, how you look. 

So if you feel insecure this summer then please try not to, try not to compare yourself and just remember and write them down all the things you do like about yourself, as this can work wonders, and stick them on a wall, take a photo or save onto your phone, so you can remind yourself of these whenever you feel unhappy about yourself. 

Many thanks for reading, 

Carrie X